Monday, January 10, 2011

Asshats of the Imperium

Ok, so I just finished up reading A Thousand Sons by Graham McNeil and it was a pretty great read.  Not quite up to the level of satisfaction I had after reading "Fulgrim" or "Mechanicum" (still my two favorite books of the series, in that order) but great nonetheless.  My overall impression of Leman Russ was that he is a whiny asshat. Yes, asshat.  Don't ask what that mean, he just is one.  This led me to a realization: the Horus Heresy series really sheds some well-needed light on the Pre-Heresy days and you really get to know Primarchs a lot better.  This is both good and bad.   What I decided to do for you (ok, more for me, but whatever) was to compile a list  of the cool-cats in the Imperium and the debby-downers.  Some non-kid friendly language will follow so I warn you now, if you don't like vulgarities of any kind, tread not past the jump!

Ok, so clearly you're not easily put off by vulgarities or you're just plain stupid.  Either way, here is (warning, some spoilers are also contained if you're reading the Horus Heresy series up through A Thousand Sons):
 Kevin's Ultimate Guide to the Asshats of the Imperium!

First up, we got Lion El'Johnson.  Now this kid was a total badass when he landed on Caliban as a child.  For the love of god, his version of "playing outstide" was killing warp beasts just because they were kind of annoying him.  He was like, what, six?  Holy shit.  Total badass.  But then he found out he was the born leader of the Emperor's First Legion and basically said "Well, screw you fuckers, I'm off to rape me some orks!" and let his best friend and mentor sit on a husk of a world while he was off having fun.  It's like being the kid picked last to play dodgeball only to be told "oh, sorry, you're not allowed to actually play.  In fact, go home.  Nobody really likes you anyway".  Then the Lion is wondering why everyone went batshit crazy on him when he came back.

Lion El'Johnson - Asshat (though definitely some badass moments)
Onto Fulgrim.  Up until reading the similarly titled book, I always thought he was a bit of a prick.  After reading the book, I think he was just deeply flawed but had good intentions.  I mean he punched a god-damned hole through an Avatar's skull!  If can't not think that's cool as shit.  That little venture alone gives him high marks in my book.  The only thing really holding me back from saying he's a Cool Cat is that he was SUCH a massive pussy.  Seriously "Oh no, Mr. Deamon, sir.  Please don't take my brain away from me".  You're a fucking primarch, act like one.

Flugrim - Pussy, but not enough to prevent me from saying Cool Cat
Siege Warfare = cool so, by extension, so is Perturabo.  (Not to mention, even though that whole Iron Cage thing with Dorn's legion was pretty douchie, it was funny as hell!)

Perturabo - Cool Cat
Next up is Jaghatai Khan.  I have very little info on him, so

Jaghatai Khan - Undecided (final judgement pending)
No onto Leman Russ.  This guy... uh, where to begin?  Well, first he's all like "Yo, Magnus you one-eyed freak, I need your help because apparently my legion is too puss to be able to take this world by ourselves"  and Magnus just ignores it because, well, he's got more important things to worry about.  Like, you know, WEBWAY TRAVEL.  But the Wolf didn't know that, so I'll let it slide.  Then he send one of his captains to force Magnus to join him.  Uh, what?  If you need him THAT badly, come there yourself you whiny bitch.  Still, Magnus really didn't give him any information and perhaps LR was really entrenched.  But then LR gets all fidgety because Magnus wants to preserve knowledge and Leman just wants to rape people with his jagged wolf dick and when he sees the Thousand Sons using "sorcery" he cries all the way back to Terra until daddy gets the mean cyclops to stop scaring him.  Right, because your Rune Priests don't do the same thing you backwards barbaric dickbag.  I digress. Leman, along with another we'll get to shortly, decide to make daddy tell mean old Magnus to stop throwing fire from his fingers and daddy says "ok".  The thousand sons are then all but destroyed and you can almost entirely blame this on a severe case of asshatery on Leman Russ' part.

Leman Russ - ASSHAT
Rogal Dorn.  Dorn is a bit of a stoic dick at times, but the dude has given me no reasons to yet call him a douche.  Thus,

Rogal Dorn - Cool Cat
Konrad Curze is... odd.  I mean, for a primarch he really is just a bizarre guy.  He's like the deeply disturbed member of your family, probably Old Uncle Joe, whose mental capabilities come into question but he makes for a good laugh, despite how unethical his form of entertainment may be.  This guy is a tough one to place my finger on so..

Konrad Curze - Undecided
Sanguinius is up next and he's pretty alright.  I mean, his only flaw is being a vampire but that's more of Stephenie Meyer's fault than his.  Before those shit stains on history came up, vampires were badass so

Sanguinius - Cool Cat
He (allegedly) fought a C'Tan and the god thought he was so cool he gave him a liquid metal hand.  Christ, the hand alone is enough for me to say..

Ferrus Manus - Cool Cat
Angron seems to be a douche along the lines of Leman Russ where he kills everything for the sake of killing everything.  His upside is that it's not his fault.  He's just like a giant caveman.  Than can tear you apart with his pinky finger.  I mean, the only reason he turned traitor is because Horus was all like "You Angron, you like  killing people?"  "Angron Kill! Angron Kill!"  "Yeah.. uh, want to go kill some more?"  "Angron Kill!  Angron Kill!".  If Dorn had the same conversation him, it would be Horus getting his ass pounded into submission, not the Emperor.  So based on the fact that Angron is pretty much a walking nuclear bomb that explodes into heat seeking shards of metal I must say:

Angron - Cool Cat
I fucking hate the Ultramarines.

Roboute Guillaume - Asshat (though I will admit, I have no logical reason. Give me a break, though, we're talking about sci-fi based on little plastic figurines here!)
Mortarion was cool, with his drinking of poison just because he could and shit like that.  But then he went all whiny on Magnus' ass and kind of pissed me off.  At the same time, he wasn't a hypocrite like LR because, unlike LR, he has no psychically trained soldiers in his legion.  Though I really think he pussed out when Horus asked him to turn on the Emperor (especially after getting his way at Nikea) so, though it pains me to say it..

Mortarion - Asshat
I've always been fond of Magnus.  I'm a guy who loves learning, shit I thrive on it!  Though he gets way too arrogant and assumes that his father, who fucking created him in a glass tube, was too stupid to see his brother were about to go nuts and try and take over the Imperium.  So Magnus decided to bust on into the palace to warn the Emperor and, in doing so, completely fucks the Webway portal up.  In normal circumstances I'd say "man, Magnus is an asshat" but there are a few redeeming qualities.  First of all, despite being turned on by his brothers and the Emperor, he is still loyal to the Emperor.  That takes balls, man.  Next, HE FUCKING FLEW INTO THE WARP, PENETRATED THE WEBWAY AND THEN GOT TO TERRA.  AWESOME!  Plus, most of this could have been prevented had the Emperor not been a dickwad about it.  I'll get to him later though.

Magnus the Red - Cool Cat (though just barely, honestly)
Horus wasn't bad.  In fact, he was probably the most relatable primarch of all the series.  It's no wonder why the Emperor picked him to be Warmaster.  But he let a god damned Word Bearer dick, like a captain or some shit too- it wasn't even Lorgar, to influence him into turning on the Emperor.  And that's while Magnus was telling him "dude, this dick is a toolbag.  Trust me, I'm fucking killing my legion over here trying to warn you, I'm not fucking around".  That lapse of testicular ownership forces me to say:

Horus Lupracal - Asshat
Lorgar started the heresy.  Well, Kor-Phaeron did more precisely but I blame Lorgar for being a zealot retard.

Lorgar - ASSHAT EXTRAORDINAIRE  (It's all his fault)
Vulken uses fire.  Fire = awesome.

Vulken - Cool Cat
Corax I don't really have a lot of information on.  I mean, guerilla warfare is cool, I'll give him that, but I just don't feel I can comment on him fully enough to choose cool or asshat (ironically, I used less words for Vulken and Roboute combined).

Corax - Undecided
Alpharius is awesome.  I mean, he's fighting for Horus and against the Emperor in order to save the galaxy at the cost of humanity.  The dude is great.  Sure, humanity gets wiped out, but in the scheme of things, the existence of the galaxy is far more important!

Alpharius/Omegon - Cool Cat
And finally we get down to easily the most polarizing figure in all of 40k lore.  A Sarah Palin of the 41st Millennium, if you will.  The Emperor.  This one is tough because as a Space Marine player, I can't do anything but love the Emperor for his grand ideals, focus on science and progress and overall badassitude.  At the same time, he could've prevented the Heresy by NOT naming a Warmaster.  He could've prevented the destruction on the Thousand Sons by just saying "Yo, Magnus, don't tell your brothers but I got a webway down in the basement and that's why I'm leaving the war.  I'm planning on putting you in charge of it when I'm done even if your reatarded brothers think this whole psychic stuff is garbage, kapeesh?" (said in a Brooklyn accent).  Bam.  Problem solved.  Granted I am sort of acting like Captain Hindsight here but fuck you, I needed a way to link that video.  Anyways, the Emperor in his seemingly omniscience (sort of like Ziltoid) felt that he could keep buttloads of information from his constantly bickering sons, put only one of them in charge and thought everything would go swimingly.  I mean, I imagine a lot of 40k bloggers reading this may have kids (I don't, personally, but this is still a good analogy).  Would you take your 12year old son, your 8 year old son and your 6 year old son, throw them all into your house, say "I'll be back in a few days, I expect the house to be completely cleaned when I get back.  Oh and 8 year old son, you're in charge", drive off and expect anything to get done bar one or two of them hanging from the ceiling fan when you return?  Fuck no!  And that's just THREE kids.  We're talking TWENTY here.  Sure they're all grown up, but they're all still fucking babies in their own right.  The Emperor performed what we like to call in the business, a ROYAL FUCKUP.  The Heresy is completely his fault (and Lorgars. Fuck Lorgar) and thus I must say


That is all.


DoomOnYou said...

Not only is it pretty accurate that is some funny shit...

An Enemy said...

You have to understand that each HH novel is told from a certain perspective and these perspectives can and are contradicted by other novels in the series.

Although, I thought Thousand Sons was a better novel than Prospero Burns you see the other side of the coin.

Infamous said...

Now that leaving the kids home alone to clean house, I could actually do! Three boys, left at home with mommy STILL don't clean the living room.

Messanger of Death said...

Hilarious. You win a pile of cookies for calling the Emperor an Asshat.

Raptor1313 said...

Now that was comical.

By and large, though I agree with you.

As for Guilliman, my beef is that he seems a little TOO MUCH into this 'by the book' thing. Look, it's good to have a reference for all this, but sometimes there are things out there you have not seen, and sometimes the situation changes.

I agree with you with Russ, though. They have this whole "YOU ARE UNCLEAN, THOUSAND SONS!" vibe to them when they use warpcraft AND CONTINUE TO USE IT. Just about my favorite part of that novel was when Ahriman informed the Rune Priest that "in ten thousand years, you will be regarded as we are now." And then he annihilated the guy.

My favorite out of the series is still Legion, as you see that the Alpha Legion is still just about the most pragmatic out of the group.

And the Emperor? Ultimate asshat. He fails at understanding humanity, and I mean that not in internet-speak 'LOL! FAIL!' I mean that as in a 'he just does not get it.' He really kind of can't, I suppose. But, if he did have an understanding of family and the like, he probably wouldn't have screwed things up quite as badly.

As for Horus? It hacked me off that he basically threw aside his closest buddies for some weirdo outsider. "Ok, I've got four guys that I use as a sounding board AND as a political tool. I'll TOTALLY throw out that 'sounding board' thing and it'll be fine, I swear." That, and a side of "SCREW YOU, DAD!" and BAM, 10,000 years of war and darkness. Good job, dipshit.

Sorrowshard said...

Lol, good effort , tres amuse'

Abnett had an opportunity to show the wolves and Russ in a different way and explain their motivations = fail

Wonder if Russ facepalmed when he found out Magnuss was right about horus .....

Munky said...

Absolutely full of win!

Great job I feel enlightned that the truth is out..........Emperor of Mankind is still only human and capable of fail, though dooming your entire race is a pretty good way to get fired...or shut on the Golden bog for life!

GDMNW said...

Well this was different. I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking that rationalising the Emperor's decision making is a pretty tall order.

I feel sorry for those Black Library guys.

The Independent Characters said...

I also felt like Leman Russ was a bit of a punk in this book. However, once I read Prospero Burns it really let me see the other side of the story... suddenly he didn't seem like QUITE the asshat he was in A Thousand Sons.